attorney visit

It pays to have attorneys who know their stuff. Ours are confident that things will go well Monday afternoon and we will be awarded sole custody of our grand daughter. This is something of universal proportion for us. I can not express the magnitude of this event. This is a person's life here. Actually many person's lives here. We are not fighting with any of the person's involved so we are in hopes that things continue to go along smoothly for all involved. I do expect the mother to be hurt, but I can not help that. She needs to go through this to perhaps see what impact her actions have had on her children and others. I don't know if she can process it or not. WHen you are in this situation, I think you have to be in denial even when you are in treatment. I wonder if you can really get down deep inside and take responsibility for what you have done. It is a big step and I would say not everyone takes it.

There are actually two children involved in this case Monday. Her two older children are on the same docket. Both will be "permantently" sort of removed from her custody. In Louisiana the mother never looses her right to ask for custody of her children. Our attorneys have added into our plea that the mother complete the yet uncompleted recommendations the judge wrote last year before she can ask for custody again. Our attorneys do not feel she will be able to comply with those recommendations if her history is any indication of her ability. We will see as time goes on. If any thing she needs to start with her youngest child who currently is cared for by her mother and see how that goes once she is on her own, which is going to take at least six months if she finishes the 3/4 house successfully.

Our attorneys certainly seem to be ready to rock and roll. They have a file about 4 inches thick, neatly separated into sections dealing with medical, legal, etc. They have excellent witnesses in my husband and my self if questions need to be asked. They have supbpeonaed the recent arresting officers to be on hand for the hearing along with their written records. They are aware that the other attorney has no plausible excuses, that his client is in drug treatment to be out of jail, that a court date for drug related charges is out there,

surprise tears

I was at one of my doctor's offices. A nice man. I like him. He always asks how things are going. He has known me since he came to this town. He is reserved, a man of few words. Of course he asked me how things were going. I told him that we were going to court next week and presumably would be getting permanent custody of our grand daughter. He asked if it would be my husband and myself or us and our son. I explained that it would just be us, that two years ago our son agreed that he was not capable of taking on that kind of responsibility. As I talked to him about it I began to cry. Now let me say that I am not a person who cries easily. Not that I don't feel pain or feel like crying at times. I just rarely cry for what ever reason. Well, yesterday was not the case. Not blubbering snot, but real tears requiring tissues for sure, which he gave me. He stopped his busy day to stay with me. He talked to me about the whole thing. He said that we had surely done all that we could have done; that we had shown love and compassion; what would his life had been like if we had not adopted him; that we were surely doing the right thing by taking care of his child and so forth. He even quoted sone Hindu scripture about obligation to duty with no right to results. I am tearing up while I am writing this. I think I might need an extra visit to my counselor. I don't know why I am crying at this juncture and not so many other times along the way. Getting sole custody should be a victory yet there are other factors that are bothering me. How sad for a child to go through what ever she went through to get to this point and how sad for her to have to learn along the way of her life what her parents are really like. She told me the other day that her daddy doesn't really know how to be a daddy. She's 4 years old and she has the insight of a wise old woman. I want her to hate drugs and not her parents. I want her to understand mental illness and tolerate her parents. I do not want her hurt by them and have no way of protecting her from that. At the same time I am powerless to help her dad out of any of his muck and mire. If only he could see his way back to his mental health providers for a little peace and normalcy.

Progress?

For someone who is all about herself, the girl's mama is certainly able to talk about others easier than she can talk about herself. I don't know how many of her "classmates" she talked about today rather than talk about any of her own successes. She seems antsy. Pressured. The place she is residing does not believe in mood altering medication. I believe in mood altering medication. I do not believe she will do well in the long run without mood altering medication. She is currently under intense scruitiny. She will be under slightly less scruitiny in the 3/4 house. She will be working 5 hours a day at the do-nut shop and working at the center in the evenings. So she will still be "on" a lot of the time. Either working with new clients or showing her sponsor and house mom that she is doing ok. Her mother is keen on her having her kids come and visit. I am not keen on this at all just yet. She is not ready for this. I want to attend a family day or some kind of session with her first. I want to see her in a meeting.

The girl was happy to see her mama and while we were there, her other mawmaw and pawpaw came in so she had the best of both worlds. She ended up going home with them so we are having a quiet moment here. She did not cry and carry on when it was time to go.

a court date

Well, we have a court date. It is in just 2 weeks. The ironic thing is that it is my son's birthday. What are the odds of something like that happening? We go to court to plea for judgement to have sole custody of our grand daughter on her father's birthday. i wonder how the whole thing will affect him. Will he be happy that "we" have her. That is a collective "we" that he actually thinks he is a part of. What really goes on in his head is hard to figure out. Will it hurt him - in that he thinks he is losing her? I don't think so. I also wonder how it will affect me. I hope I am not too stressed while we are in the court room going through the procedure. I am assuming that we will get sole custody. It is a happy and a sad thing at the same time. It is a huge responsibility. and "it" will not be over then. There will be a different slant on things. I do not want to abuse the power it gives us. I want to be able to continue to do the right thing, what ever that might be. We will not use her as a pawn in a game. We will do what we think or are advised is the best thing for her above all. Her safety and well being are our major concenrs. I want her to look back on her childhood without feeling we deprived her of her mother or her mother's family, or her father for that matter. She will learn things over time that will cause her pain. I want to ease that pain if at all possible. She doesn't have to know details until she is older. She needs to be able to process what she knows without internalizing guilt or feeling responsible as children will sometimes do. I am getting off on a tangent. The good news is we have a court date.

The other grandmother is going to tell the mother about the plea for sole custody this weekend. I felt that the other grandmother was unhappy with that plea. But she did not come out and say it. She usually does not mince words when she has something to say. So I don't know if she is hurt by the situation or angry at the prospect or what. We have not fought wit them and I do not want to start now.

Another week

Another week is coming to a close. The time flies by. I am lounging in the bed watching the girl dance and do flips on the same bed. She is doing her exercises and so forth. We are watching Jump In on Disney and supposed to be settling down to get ready for bed. Her PawPaw has just come in from school . He had a ball game to attend for duty tonight. We went to my niece's house prior to coming home. Had a good visit.

A visit to mama's "school"

My son and I took "the girl" to see her mama Sunday at her "school" where she is learning how to be a better mama. The fact that my son even wanted to go irked me at first. Then I decided he had a right also. They will forever be linked because of their daughter and because of the very strong and chaotic relationship they have had over the years. And it is their lives not mine that are being directly affected. People do get back together sometimes and if that happens, it needs to be the best situation possible. At this point it is not a good idea, but that has not held them back before!.

"The girl" had a good visit. There was a freak snow fall the other day and there was a three teir snow man remaining in the back yard. She played with that thing for a long time, shaving it, decorating it, kissing it, eating some snow, etc. Her shoes looked like soggy mud before she was through but they can be washed. There was another young child there too so she played with her a little. And she interacted with her mama a good bit. There did not seem to be anxiety on anyone's part. I do wonder what she thought about having her mama and daddy together for a visit, although where she is concerned they have been civil and or cordial when she has been around lately. Not always, but certainly lately.

There were these stress balls that were faces of emotion from happy to sad with tears and different degrees of angry. Chloe picked out the one with tears because she is sad when she misses her mama. We talked about that a little, then she was on to something else. WHen it was time to go, she cried a little and we had to make her let go of her mama but it wasn't hysterical like the previous time was described. WHen we got in the car she said she had done a fake cry because she didn't have any tears and she was no longer crying etc. and seemed ok with going home. Of course she had her daddy right there in the back seat with her and she sang along to her CD and ate some chips etc. on the way home.

By the time we got home she was on to other things like the dogs and cat and he babies. I am glad I took her, she seems less stressed somehow and I got to see her mama for myself. More on that later.

snow in Louisiana

My sister called at 7:30 this morning. Not an unusual thing necessarily, but today it was to tell me that it was snowing. My grand daughter has been wanting to see real snow for months now. She sees it on TV and since it is usually 70 sultry degrees here untill the first ice storm, the chances of her seeing snow here are pretty slim. Well at 7:40 she and her Pawpaw were on the driveway in pj's and jackets trying to catch snowflakes on their tongues and arms. It was in their hair and on their clothes briefly. It wasn't sticking on anything but the metal of the vehicles because its only about 32 degrees or so and it has been raining. The ground is wet so it all melts as it hits. BUt they were out there in the snow. and then they filled the bird feeder because the birds where like "what happened here, where is our food, it's cold out here" and when they filled it we watched from inside and they just had a field day, bunches of cardinals, red winged blackbirds, doves, some kind of redish bunting. They were some happy campers then.

Michaels craft store kids club has a craft today of making a snow scene magnet, so we will go do that for sure now. Then we have a birthday party at the gymnastics place. Busy day for a busy girl. Probably no more snow though.

Countdown begins

Today we got a letter in the mail from our attorney. He is petitioning for a court date to resolve our temporary domicillary
parent status. The temporary status was supposed to be 82 days long. It has almost been one year now. The baby mama has done nothing in response to requests from the court for such things as a psychologic evaluation by the court selected psychologist. She has had one done by her personal mental health team and doesn't have the foresight to tell her attorney it has been done and to submit the findings to the court. Our attorney is asking that they find baby mama in contempt of court for not following mandates; for us to have sole custody with supervised visitation at our discretion; and for other child to have addition of father's last name to the birth certificate. I have no way of predicting how she will react to any of the three issues. She has been saying over and over that she will be "getting her kids back any time". The attorney is asking for an expedited hearing so that we can get a judgement and add her to our insurance coverage. I guess we will see how slowly or not the wheels of justice turn.

THis is serious business. This is a major event in all of our lives that will have lasting effect even if baby mama ever gets it together enough to petition the court for joing custody again. It is a sad state of affairs when innocent children are taken in for protection or cast off because of selfishness, drug abuse and mental health issues. There is no answer to the "why" or "how could she" that comes up. We felt from the beginning that we needed at least joint custody because of the unstable nature of our son, the baby daddy. We have been working on this legally for over two years. Now it comes down to days or weeks.

look to the future

The earth keeps turning, the sun comes up. The future is right around the corner.

There is no guarantee that any of us will be here to see the future. We tend to ignore
that fact since it is unpleasant, kicking the bucket, leaving loved ones behind, etc.

So plans must be made. We are making some concrete plans and have made a major
step. Our neice, who we love dearly, who is smart, who has a nice husband and a good
marraige, who is sane, who is sensible, who is caring, is our choice to raise (along with her
husband of course) - to raise our grandchild should "something" happen to the two of us.

That is quite a responsiblity to plop on someone. A child's life. not to mention the drama
that goes along with why she even got to us in the first place.

True to form, our neice and her husband will gladly step up to the plate if the need arises.
We will continue to include them in her life so that we can build that relationship. We have
wanted them in her life anyway, and find ways and times to get them all together. Now we
will be more diligent in that effort.

We want her to see that there are other ways to live other that the way both her parents live.
Partners in and out, non-productive, etc. As she gets older, she will learn a lot more, maybe
figuring it out on her own, and in won't be pretty.

We want her to be posiviely influenced by other young people.
It can't be good to have 55+ raising
a 4 year old. We think we are young, but guess what? We are not.

parental rights

We are in the midst of a custody drama. Our particular aim has always been to protect our grand child and to allow us to have a voice in her life. We were not planning to snatch her away from her mother.We have temporary custody since March 07. It has gone on and on because the mama has messed up and messed around and been uncooperative and noncompliant. At this point in time, our attorney says we are going to get full custody any day. This is quite a dramatic statement. I thought it would be joint custody with the child's mother, but lately she has been acting very unstable and has recently got arrested and is currently in drug treatment headed for a half way house out of town. There are 3 children involved, each is a half sibling to the others. Same mother, different fathers. Each father has his set of problems. Our son has agreed to "give up" his right to custody so that we could petition the court for the same. He is not resticted from his child other than he is not going to take care of her by himself. He is too impulsive and unstable. He realizes he cannot raise her. The older child is with his paternal aunt who has a spouse and another child, so he is in a family. His paternal grandmother actually has the same temporary custody we have. She is fighting with the maternal grandparents and the mama. They can not get along. Perhaps too much water under the bridge and too much need for power or control of the situation. We all need to be able to make decisions that are best for the children as a group. I don't think this is going to happen. The youngest child is with the maternal grandparents and is well cared for. Their goal is to protect her and their middle school age son and keep their lives going in as normal a fashion as possible.

Parents try to do what they think is right. The problem can be that the parents are not thinking clearly. Whether you are working on your adult child with dual diagnosis who is off his meds and sinking into deep depression or trying to raise your grandchild in the best environment you can muster, there are still t hings that can cloud your vision. It takes experience and practice to look beyond what you think is happening or not happening, to move past denial, work through grief and get on with life. You have to put away the denial and take action when you'd rather be sleeping at a cool hotel by the beach. If that means turning your child in to the police, forcing them into treament or taking them to the social secutiry office to apply for mental health disability, you have to do something to keep things moving.

These particular parents involved in this case are all at very differnt levels of coping and adjusting. We all have been going through some problems with our kids for a time, some of us longer than others, some worse than others. I would say each set thinks they are doing the right thing and can clearly see that the others are doing some things that they do not recommend or agree with. Two sets are fighting each other off and on. There is animosity that goes too deep to be calmed right now. That is a problem that will continue to harm the overall well being of one of the kids. Don't put your needs above that of a child. Hash it out with a mediator or in the court room or something.

Been there

My grandbaby's other grandmother accompanied her daughter to a drug treatment center yesterday. I don't think they have done this since she has been an adult. When she was a teen she had treatment but the problem was not of this magnatude. Ms. B and her husband, the paternal grandmother and an aunt all went. It had to be gut wrenching. That whole orange jump suit and shackles scene is heart breaking even when you believe that the person deserves to be there. There is always the question of whether or not you are doing the right thing. My counselor tells me that there is no right thing, just things. You have no way of knowing if you did the "right" thing, but there is some satisfaction that you have done "some"thing. The people who are watching the drug abuser ruin her life and the lives of her children and family are in pain that is difficult to describe. It takes a while for these people to learn that they can not change the abuser. No matter what they do, say, think, feel, etc. Only the abuser can make changes. And the changes are difficult to make and even more difficult to maintain. The chances of relapse are very great. Success has to be measured in days rather than in weeks or months. Little steps are giant steps. Time slows down. Outsiders have no idea what is going on and do not understand your predicament.

Drama rolls on

The grand baby's mama got caught with a friend at her home after a complaint of too much traffic and noise brought the village police chief to her door. The friend evidently had crystal meth on himself along with paraphenalia in plain site. She was charged with intent to distribute after a text came to her phone while the police were there. The texter wanted to know if she had the stuff and the officer texted back, yes come and get it. The texter and her companion showed up and were also arrested.

Of course the grand baby's mama says she was not involved. Blah Blah Blah. Her parents have given her the option or remaining incarcerated until a court date comes up, or she can go to rehab and a half way house. After complaning that she didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't her fault, she was given one hour to make up her mind. She chose rehab and half way. Imagine that. Her parents have to transport her to the treatment center. That should be such a great day for them. She is such a witch sometimes and pulls every punch she can to cause guilt etc. She lies like a rug. She told me a couple of weeks ago that rehab would not do her any good that she has heard it all before. We shall see.

Interestingly enough, the grand baby's daddy, my son, is also facing some issues. Tomorrow he has a court date for an old drug charge. No problem, probably get drug court and perhaps a fine, However he has an outstanding warrant for contempt of court because he did not go to another court date for a traffic ticket. So when he goes tomorrow he should be arrested for contempt. He will have to stay in jail. We will not bond him out. He is not taking his medicine and as this date has gotten closer, he has been drinking more and more. We watch him continue to ruin his life.

So again, here is this precious child with two major losers for parents. Drugs, Alcohol and Mental Illness do not mix. How will she manage as she gets older and figures this out? We will do what ever we need to do assure that her life is as good as it can be. We will calmly lie to her about her parents where abouts. Because I can assure you that she will ask. ' Now where is my ----?"
And I will say If it's her dad, He is far away working again. Yes this will be the second time she has heard this story. And if it is her mom, I think I will say She is out of town learning how to be a better mom. That is what her other grandmother wants to say, at least at our last discussion.