pawpaw's head

What is the matter with Pawpaw's head? He is having some kind of weird spells. two times now in about two weeks. He gets a weird dizzy or full feeling and becomes clumsy. Similar to before he had his Chiari surgery. Thought that was going to take care of the problem. Why does it come and go? The Internist doesn't know and is going to send him to a Neurologist. The MRI doesn't show a stroke or a brain tumor, so thank God for that, The carotid sono and the echo were ok too. So now we look for Zebras. We don't have time for this kind of foolishness so they better come up with something fixable. We have stuff to do that does not include being any sicker than we already are for goodness sake.

I feel much better today

I think my medicine needs adjusting. I self adjusted some of them and I feel much better today. I was more active than usual and am not exhausted like I thought I would be. We took the girl to a school fair. She had a ball. Pony rides. super slides. big swings. ball toss, hockey puck. We had hamburgers there and came home and took quite a nap. I didn't do much laundry but when we got up we "washed" my car, more or less. It was enough for her to say she had washed it. She was satisfied that it was very pretty now. Then Zuni cat had the nerve to track it up. She fussed at him. Then wanted to climb up on the car to wipe off the tracks. What a girl. We took her over to her mama/mawmaw's later. She seemed ok to be there/

I am in a turmoil

I am in a turmoil. My anxiety is being directed as anger at my son. I want to shake him until his teeth rattle in the insane notion that it will actually help the situation. In a reasonable moment, I know this willnot work. At the same time, I am not reasonable. I am nuts. I seem to have forgotten all I have learned about taking care of myself, my spouse and my grandchild and letting my son roll his own hoop. The problem is that it is very hard for me to let go of trying to find some way of helping him. It is terrible to see your child suffer. He knows everything so there is nothing we can do or say that will make an impact and he continues to go down this spiraling hole that just gets worse. When I have it shoved in my face that he will never be ok, it just makes me sick. I get upset and wonder how come there is not something out there to make it better so that he can have some kind of normal life.His daughter is going to think this is how fathers act unitl she is old enough to see other people's fathers don't act this way. Then he acts like an ass and it infuriates me. His actions are dictating how I feel, which is craziness. I have had enough counseling to write a book and I turn right around and fall into the same trap again. I have to find a way to move beyond this and focus on my granddaugher and myself and the rest of my family. They don't know what to do about any of it. There is nothing they can do or say that will make this any better. I wonder if getting closer to Christmas has me on edge right now. I expect that my son will not make it through the end of the year without getting is probation revoked and being sent to prison for his 5 year sentence. His daughter would be 10 years old when he got out. FIVE YEARS without seeing him, because I do not plan on taking her where evere he is housed. She will have to be told that he is in jail because she is smart enough to know that he wouldn't just "go away" without some explanation. She will have to be told he did something bad enough that he had to go jail because he would not follow the rules made by the judge. So she will have to deal with that in some manner at the same time that she deals with her unstable mother and the fact that she is living with her grandparents. Kids already ask her why she lives with us. I hate this.

a crisis once removed

This crisis affects us but did not happen in our house, thank you very much. My "grand baby mama" has her own set of problems that she has been working on for the last 10 months. Recently she has been having no luck getting a job. I feel certain that her background check is the problem and she is not forthcoming with an explanation right off the bat. Anyway, she has been living with her family for some months now and things SEEMED to be going ok from the outside anyway. She would occassionaly say something derogatory about her mother's alleged drinking habits. But she is also eager to point fingers at someone else especially when she is doing something herself that she wants to remain hidden. Grand Baby Mama was supposed to pick her daughter up Friday afternoon and keep her at the other MawMaw's house for the weekend as has been happening for quite some time. Well it seems that a verbal altercation escalated into Grand Baby Mama getting thrown out of the house. Now she has no place to live, no place to bring Grand Baby for visits, because they are supervised only, and doesn't know how she is going to explain any of this to Brand Baby. Friday she and my son took Grand Daughter to the Parish Fair together and that turned out all right. Grand Daughter had a great time and she got to spend time with both of them. She loves them so much and doesn't realize how much better things could be thank goodness. Grand Baby Mama spent the night with a girl friend and came to pick up Grand Daughter for a Birthday Party this morning at the Gymnastics place. She will have a great time. Grand Baby Mama doesn't know yet how to go about getting back in the house with her parents. They need some counseling big time.